Thursday, May 22, 2014

Hollywood Exes: Let's do this thing!

So after my very exciting "Hey, look at me again please!" post from yesterday, it's already recap time! I took notes and everything, super profesh-like, just to show my commitment. You are welcome.

Drea and Brian, pre-tears.
So let's just begin with Drea, because real life has intruded upon her storyline, unfortunately for her. In real life, Drea is divorcing her husband of 2 months, Brian, who has just been introduced on this show. He was cheating or sending sexts or something gross like that. But in show world, they are still planning their wedding and it makes me feel squirmy just watching it. So anyway, Brian is a singer (and a terrible one at that. My notes about his song are just "no no no no") and is recording a song to sing to Drea at their wedding. My favorite part about this is that Drea seems to think that Brian is very brave to try to sing to her, R. Kelly's ex-wife. She keeps bragging about how R. Kelly is the "The King of R&B" (no arguments here) which seems like something that would piss Brian off. Good thing they're already getting divorced, I guess. Another great moment of this recording studio section of the show is when Drea says that Brian's song makes her feel like she's "pregnant in her ear." It is mostly great because everyone laughs until Brian looks at her, puts his hand up and says "Filter." WOMP WOMP- everything is uncomfortable now. I missed this line upon first watching, but Josh rewound it and told me "Something REALLY bad just happened." which is hilarious. I guess he knows how I might react if he did that to me! Drea handled it well though, so good on you, boo-boo.

Then Shanna and Miss Nevada or something go into Jessica's medical spa, which is scary to me. Just the concept of Jessica doing anything "medical" is frightening. I guess this scene was just to let us know that Miss Nevada's brows NEED WORK.

Nicole and Mayte meet to discuss what I have just decided to call "Sugarbowlgate." Quick recap of that: Nicole had a brunch, and at said her brunch her 18 year old daughter had a purse with fur on it and some baseball player's wife (probably trying to get on this show) was wearing fur. This enraged Mayte and caused her to run away from the brunch, and whilst she fled, Nicole's large glass bowl of raw sugar was smashed on the kitchen floor. Mayte at first claimed this was an accident that happened while she was grabbing her purse, but she already had her purse in her hand soo... Anyway, at this sit down, Nicole reasonably asks for an apology and points out that even if it WAS an accident, the normal person thing to do would have been to be like "Oh dear, I broke something, I am so sorry, let me help you clean it up." Mayte responds to this by saying "Well, we both have our stories...", which, what?! Not really. She refuses to apologize, calls it a "beautiful accident" (PSYCHO), and then asks if they can just move on. She does offer to replace the sugar bowl, but that is the only decent thing she says to Nicole. Nicole realizes that she is way too awesome for this, so pretty much whatever, but now she knows Mayte is batshit insane.

Crazy Mayte. 
We then get a super awkward scene between Cray Cray Mayte and her boyfriend Humberto, who decide during dinner they want to have a baby, and then go to their bedroom to make one, but not before inviting her one million dogs into the room with them. NO NO NO.

Drea returns in a super sad sequence where she tries on wedding dresses and her assistant casts doubt on her impending nuptials. It just kind of bummed me out,  except for the part where Drea kept calling her assistant Tony,  "my boo-boo kitty." That part was awesome.

THEN (yes, there is more!) Shanna has a poker party for charity or something? I am not clear on why. These things happen at the party:

  • Jessica meets a guy that she thinks is hot. Nicole does not like his vest. "That vest is killing me right now. Somebody get him a shirt." Nicole is the best.
  • Sheree gets drunk and it makes me like her more.
  • Drea's assistant Tony has a talk with her fiance Brian in which he says that R. Kelly "runs Chicago." It made me think maybe R. Kelly is gonna have this guy killed or something now.
  • Sheree confronts Mayte about how she missed her husband's 40th bday party (where she was supposed to be making mojitos!). Sheree has been ON about this every damn episode. They make up, basically because Mayte brings up a baby she lost many years ago and there is a not a good way to argue with that. Sheree acknowledges in her talking head that Mayte was just using the dead baby thing to get out of the argument, so basically I am liking Sheree more every minute in this ep!
At some point Jessica goes and visits her 17 year old daughter on a modeling shoot, where she makes sad noises about her daughter moving away sometime soon. During this scene I wrote "Remember that show Empty Nest?!" to myself. Yes, I do, self. I do indeed. 

The last scene of the show is another cringe-making Drea and Brian scene, where Drea tries to convince him to reverse his vasectomy so she can have his baby. I have to say, I gotta side with Brian in this scene, because she knew this guy didn't want to have kids 3 months ago when she met him and last week or whenever she agreed to marry him. So she just seems kind of delusional here. 

Next week:
Jessica and Shanna get into it over something, finally bringing Shanna into the action! Also more Drea and Brian. Yeesh. 

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